Thursday, May 03, 2012

Massages and Panties

I don’t get massages very often. Usually just when we’re on vacation and there’s a spa.

So, I’m no novice. But I’m also no expert. And, here’s what always stumps me: Panties. On or off?

One time, on vacation, I thought to myself, “I need to stop being so immature. I’m sure my underwear just gets in the therapist’s way. So, I took them off. Well, evidently that was a code to this particular therapist to go to town on my gluts. There was a point where I wanted to yell, “Dude! Get off my ass!”

[Pausing while you get all of your inappropriate rebuttals and laughter out of your systems. All better now?]

Lately I've had this "twinge" under my right shoulder. I've been thinking I should get a massage. But, you know. Whatever. Then, on Monday, while I was getting my teeth cleaned, my dental hygienist said she was taking the next day off for her birthday and she was going to get a massage from her very favorite, highly certified, massage therapist. Well, I accepted this as the clear sign that. it. was. that I should get a massage from this woman.

I saw her today. She was very nice. I'm sure she could have cared less about whether I was pro or con underwear-during-massage. She even told me to "undress to the level I'm comfortable with."

Now. If I'm going to keep my underthings on, I want them to be as benign and clinical as possible. I hadn't thought that through when I dressed this morning. My choice was a little, let's say, sassy. Nothing I wanted to show a complete stranger.

And, anyway. I'm mature. I'm sure my underwear will just get in the therapist's way.

So, when she continued with, "Take your bra off, but you can keep your underwear on if you prefer," I responded a little to enthusiastically with, "But, it's okay if I take them off, right?"

[This is the point where the voice in my head starts screaming: "OMG. I just made it sound like panty-wearing was a deal-breaker. She thinks I'm a pervert."]

She was very nice and didn't act overly scared of me from that point on. But...

Then the massage began.

I had chosen to have a Deep Tissue Massage as opposed to a Swedish Massage. I've never had one before, but I wanted her to really "get in there" and get the knot that's been bothering my shoulder. Well, hear me now: Deep Tissue Massages are not for the faint of heart. I had no idea the sumo wrestling match I was about to enter into - a match in which the other person is pre-determined to win.

I also didn't know how much my legs would be moving.

She did, though. So, as I lay on my back and she moved to lift my thigh perpendicular to the table, she first made the appropriate adjustments of the sheet... for the average person. I, however? Am very flexible. I'm sure most people's thighs stop perpendicular to the table. But, by the time my knee was up near my armpit, it was clear that her sheet calculations had been... slightly off.

She was as professional as could be about it.

I, however? Will be wearing underwear for every massage from now until the day I die.


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