Random Thoughts: the Byproduct of a Long Summer

As I told a friend when I forgot to respond to his text for a week... and then forgot to send the text telling him I forgot to respond to his text for another week, I haven't had a single, complete, coherent thought in weeks. Being a mom 24/7 is an ass-kicking job^★. And, this summer, save Spence's week-long stint at camp, was Me and The Kids day in and day out for three months. (Yeah. I just made that into the title of a movie. Most boring movie. ever. But, very loud. With occasional cameo appearances by Shawn Johnson.) No. Seriously. They are getting old enough that we were (mostly) happy. And our road trips and vacations were fun. But, enough was enough.

Thank God for school and teachers. Spence started 2nd grade and Lulu Pre-K. They're both loving it. And my thoughts are slowly starting to form completely again (and the laundry is starting to get done again... and dinner cooked... and I'm bathing more regularly...)

So, as we wait for full-capacity thoughts that might equal one whole blog post, here's what's been rattling around in my brain in the meantime:

• I did indeed make the candy pencil back-to-school treats for Lulu's class. I told you Mommy Guilt would make me do it.
• I took a hot yoga class* and left it smelling like... an airline passenger plane. This is disturbing to me on so very many levels.
• *I stopped going to the Class of Torture because I was starting to get thighs like those of a 14-year-old Olympic gymnast. FYI, this is only a good look on a 14-year-old Olympic gymnast - and, even then, it's questionable.
• Sometimes I look at my flat iron when it's on and think, "Did I already turn that on?"^✰
• Can you put plates in the oven? 'Cause I do. And, I think I'm pretty darn brilliant for thinking of it.
• Evidently my family doesn't eat bananas fast enough. I always have to figure out what to do with overripe bananas. Well, AllRecipes.com has done it again. With a five-star rating after 6,413 reviews, this Banana Crumb Muffin recipe was bound to be good GREAT. And, it was^♥.
• And, finally. It has been said that Princess Eugenie bares a striking resemblance to her great-great-great-great grandmother Queen Victoria. Yeah. If Queen Victoria smeared a lot of $#!t around her eyes and wore bizarre crap on her head.

^★And, yeah, yeah, yeah. Working moms. I know the grass isn't greener. I'm just saying sometimes you get to turn on your "grown-up brain" and have coherent thoughts sometimes. (And, I'm not even going to correct the fact that I used "sometimes" twice in that sentence. I think it proves my point quite nicely.)

^✰It's not a flat iron. It's a cookie. And, I don't think "turn that on;" I think "eat that."

^♥The Pre-K teachers at Elizabeth's school do "Home Visits" the week before school. (oh. the horror.) I whipped these up because a) I'm an unbearable suck-up and b) I was trying to distract the teacher from the fact that our daughter doesn't know her own name and c) who calls Children's Protective Services on someone who makes muffins?

Random Thoughts (because they rattle around in my brain so you have to listen to them, too)

ON PUBLIC APPEARANCES:
This girl was wearing this at the zoo when we went there last week.

This girl should not have been wearing this at the zoo.
(Also? I was pretending to take a picture of the lion when I took this picture. As soon as I snapped the picture, Shawn said, "I know exactly what you just did.")

ON CLEANING:

I just cleaned the kids' bathroom. Wouldn't you think I would have been aware, before this moment, that I sprung forth livestock from my loins?

I bet I've sucked enough Legos to build a city into the vacuum cleaner over the course of my motherhood.

My grandma used to drink a six-pack of beer while she cleaned the house. My grandma loved to clean house.

ON PARENTHOOD:

You know what people never tell you about before you have a baby? What it will do to your body. I never dreamed there would come a day when I would have to choose between coughing and peeing.

My child told me this: "Mama. I need to go potty, but I don't want to get up." Um. Seriously? I was baffled into silence. I had no idea what was being asked of me.

It's a little disconcerting to be driving in the car while your four-year-old plays on her iPod and hear Lady Gaga start to play. What happened to The Wiggles?

A conversation between Shawn and me about children's gifts:

Me: "Do you want to go to Target? We could get some Bakugans and Zoobles while we're at it."

Him: "I don't know what any of that means. But, we can go to Target."

ON CANTALOUPES:

Are cantaloupes related to pumpkins? Seriously. They have to be. They're both orange. They both have seeds you have to scoop out... Actually, that's all the similarities I can think of. But, I still think they're related.

Refrigerators: The Things That Keep Me Up at Night

Ok. I don't like to post twice in one day. (Well, technically, it's after midnight so this is really the next day. But, it's before 9:00 a.m., so my point is...) The email subscribers will get both of my most recent posts in one email. And, I worry that they'll miss the second one. And, that would be sad because what if I wrote something that would make them happy in the second post, and they miss it. I live to make the world happy. (And, yes. I do know what the email posts look like and when they are sent out because I subscribe to my own blog. I'm narcissistic like that.)

Wow. That was all really rambly. It's either because It's after midnight and I should go to sleep (Okay. That one's true whether it's the reason I'm rambly or not), or I've officially snapped because I chose to move over the holidays. I don't feel like I've snapped. But then again, crazy people never know they're crazy, do they?

Anyway, where was I?

Ok, Rambly, settle down and get to the point.

Which was?

I don't know. Oh, wait. Refrigerators.

Yes. This is what keeps me up when the rest of the world sleeps. Refrigerators. We had a built-in in the house we're leaving, so we need to buy a new one. I spent about 5 whole minutes googling refrigerator ratings, but that was really boring. So, I need you to tell me.

I think I really like the freezer on the bottom kind, but I don't know why. I probably just like it like I like shiny things. It's new, it's pretty, it's a freezer on the bottom! But, truly, it seems like I would want to be able to see the things in my fridge at eye-level so that fruit doesn't sit in the crisper drawers near the floor and turn into a science experiments. (Not that I would ever let that happen in my refrigerator. That would be unseemly!)

So, go! Help me, people! I've posted twice in 24 hours. There are going to be two posts in one email subscription. Don't make me regret this. Do you have a refrigerator that you love? What is it and why do you love it? Or, on the other hand, do you know of one that is the spawn of the devil and should avoided like the plague?

Thoughts, Thoughts Everywhere but not a Coherent Thing to Think

It must be nearing the end of summer because the only things bouncing around my brain are a jumble of disconnected thoughts. Come on, school! Surely, you can get here before Mommy has to be committed!

• I read a report that a woman is more likely to have twins if she is obese, older, or has already borne previous children. I think this is proof that God likes practical jokes.
• Elizabeth had a bloody nose. Before I could get a tissue to her, it started to run into her mouth. She went "pthhhht," to spit it out. I hope my bedroom is never sprayed with Luminol because someone will be convicted of a violent crime for sure.
• One time I dropped my flat iron while I was using it (actually Shawn stepped on the cord, but I don't want to point any [burned] fingers). It caught and hung on my fingers. Before I could shake it off, I screamed in a completely unbridled fashion. Then I thought, "Huh. So that's what my primal scream sounds like. I would have hoped for something more substantial."
• Sometimes "medium" is too small but "large" is too big.
• Why do pitchers have that adjustable nozzle? One is closed, and it doesn't really close it. One is open. And, one is a strainer. A strainer?! What exactly are people drinking out of their pitchers that needs to be strained first?!

And here are some things I hate. Yes, I know. "Hate" is a strong word. I really do hate these things...

• You know when you're using hydrogen peroxide and it gets on your finger tips and turns them white and itchy? I hate that.
• You know when you HEAR your phone, but you can't FIND your phone. I hate that, too.
• You know when you shoo a bug off yourself, but then for the next thirty minutes you still feel like there's a bug crawling on you? Hate that, too.
• You know when you need to stop somewhere before you go home; but then you drive home on auto-pilot and never make the stop? Yep. Hate that.
• You know when you reach in your purse to pull out your car key, but instead pull out a Star Trek badge? What? You don't?! (And, actually... I kinda love that...)

It's Random in Here

Here are more random thoughts that keep bouncing around my head.  I'm putting them down here to try to make room for some coherent thoughts:

• You know when you're going along, and then out of the blue, you start choking uncontrollably on your own spit?  I hate that.
• When you go somewhere where there is even a remote chance that you will remove your clothes (e.g., the doctor's office or clothes shopping - get your mind out of the gutter), you should carefully consider your underwear choice.  Believe me.  I've learned this the hard way.
• When wearing a long necklace, you should avoid leaning over near drawer pulls - again, the hard way.
• I told my kids to get themselves into bed for their naps while I jumped in the shower.  When I got out of the shower it was like Lord of the Flies in my house.
• I've heard people say, "Don't try to parent someone else's kids."  I disagree.  Please, feel free to parent mine.
• I have a lot of thoughts for blog posts that disappear about 20 seconds after I have them.  I bet they were good ones, too.
• The other day my knee hurt like there was a flaming knife sticking in it - and not in a good way.
• The other night I was being so lazy I picked something off the floor with my toes so I wouldn't have to move from my semi-reclined, seated position.
• I'm pretty sure I go to the beauty shop from Steel Magnolias. And, my hairdresser was the one who pointed this out to me.
• When it was reported that Lindsay Lohan cried on her first day in jail, it made me think of the beginning of Shawshank Redemption.
• I've been confused more times than I would like to admit over the fact that the most recent bachelorette's name is Ali.
• The problem with having a blog that your friends read is that every doofus thing you do elicits the comment, "You have got to blog about THAT."

Opinionated *blank* *blank* Outlook

So maybe I missed home more than I knew.  I've spent the entire day in my pajamas, on my computer - and even that much effort has been exhausting to me.

I did a lot of blog stalking, though - which only left me feeling completely inept in my own blogging pursuits.  I should never have looked.  I could have continued on in my own little blog world feeling like the most cleaver blogger that ever did blog.  Oh, well.  Too late. You can't put the lid back on Pandora's box.

• My blog doesn't have it's own domain name.  :(
• My blog isn't filled with Erma Bombeck-esque humor at every turn.  :(
• I'm not pithy and wise like Heloise. :(
• I clearly don't have a degree in journalism and have never been accused of being a professional writer.  :(

Eh.  But, what do I care?  Vomiting too much personal information on an unsuspecting internet community makes me happy.  I get to wave my freak flag loud and proud.  It gives me a place to vent all the nonsense in my complicated brain (because, let's face it, after 16 years of being with me, Shawn's sympathy is getting a little lackluster).  So, I guess I'll just keep writing for me.  And, I'll be thankful for the positive reinforcement I get from being a part of BlogHer and the sweet friends I have who boost my ego by telling me they like what I put out there.  That's enough for me.  Let the other people be the show-offs with their domain names, pith and journalism degrees.

I'll just offer up this simple request to the other blogs out there (like The Junk Drawer, Attack of the Redneck Mommy, Guilty Squid, The Rocking Pony, Whiskey in my Sippy Cup and Hyperbole and a Half), please stop being so freakin' awesome.  You're making me feel inadequate.  Some of these women write books, have been interviewed on t.v., and even model naked in calendars (yeah, that caught your attention, didn't it?)!

I'm pretty sure the only reason anyone would want to interview me on t.v. would be to get the "opinionated blue collar outlook" a la Roseanne Conner.  But we'd have to replace the "blue collar" part with something else.

Suggestions? (But, remember, I'm very sensitive and I will blog about you if you hurt my feelings. ;)

You just can't please me

So, I never go to the liquor store.  Alcohol just magically appears at my house (ok, it could have something to do with Shawn - but, no, I'm going with magical).  But, today I ventured into the liquor store. And, if I do say so myself, I was looking quite young.  I had my hair in a mussed, haphazard pile on my head; I was wearing workout clothes; more importantly, I was wearing sunglasses to cover the tell-tale crow's feet.  Couple that with my high of being carded all vacation long and I thought, "Oh, yeah.  Here it comes.  I'm getting carded for sure!"  (BTW, you know you're over 30 when the prospect of getting carded makes you a little giddy - and you don't even care if it's because the young waiter is trying to flatter you...)  I stepped up to the counter and I got... nothin'.  Not even a second glance from the cute, young thang behind the counter.  But, then I realized, most underage drinkers probably aren't buying 12-year-old scotch.

I'm going back.  And, I'm only going to buy Coors Light, wine coolers and Strawberry Hill Boones Farm.

P.S.  I just died a little bit inside realizing that it was still legal for me to drink when my scotch was born.  I'm buying the 18-year-old stuff next time.

Kitchen Tips

I posted a kitchen tip on FB yesterday and it made me realize, I am just full of useful kitchen tips.  So here you go.  You're welcome.

• Never cut an apple with the same knife you just used to cut an onion - unless you really like the taste of onion-apple.
• Never touch a broiler pan that is in a 400 degree oven with your bare flesh - unless you're in to skin markings.
• Never put your face directly in front of the opening oven door - unless you want to know what it's like for your mascara to melt your eyelashes together.
• Always wear your hair tied back while baking - unless you want to feed hair to your family.
• Never cut with a dull knife - unless you like getting stitches.
• Never rub your eyes after cutting a jalapeño - really, NEVER.  No "unless" or anything.
• Metal really can't go in the microwave.
• Always lick the bowl.

Man, I wonder if they're hiring at the Food Network?!

NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

On this day in history

1802 - The United States Congress passed an act establishing a military academy at West Point, New York.  (Happy 208th birthday, West Point!)

1825 - Women, feeling oppressed by their employers, gathered at Palmo’s Opera House in New York City, for speeches and music about their problems.  (If they gathered for music about their problems, was this the 1800s version of Glee?)

1850 - Nathaniel Hawthorne's novel "The Scarlet Letter", was published for the first time. (And juniors in high schools everywhere groaned.)

1871 - The State of Delaware enacted the first fertilizer law.  (ummmm.  I don't even know what this means.)

1883 - Susan Hayhurst graduated from the Philadelphia College of Pharmacy, becoming the first female pharmacy graduate. (Girl Power!)

1926 - The first liquid-fuel rocket was successfully launched by Prof. Robert Goddard at Auburn, Massachusetts. The rocket traveled 184 feet in 2.5 seconds.  (Insert your own inappropriate joke here.)

1950 - Congress voted to stop federally taxing oleomargarine.  (Well, I think we all say a little prayer at night in thanksgiving for this.)

1963 - Peter, Paul and Mary released the single, "Puff The Magic Dragon", which was banned by several radio stations whose management figured the song was about smoking marijuana. The group denied the allegations saying “It’s about a magic dragon named Puff.”  (That quote makes my day.)

1974, 11:45 pm - I was born.
(Avoided being a leprechaun by 15 minutes.)

1976 - British Prime Minister Harold Wilson announced his intention to retire. He was succeeded by James Callaghan on April 5. (I've never heard of either of these people.)

1978 - Former Italian premier Aldo Moro was kidnapped by Red Brigades guerrillas, who demanded the release of all Communist prisoners. (I'm guessing Italy stepped up its secret service after this...)

And, a fellow Happy Birthday to James Madison, Pat Nixon, Jerry Lewis, Chuck Woolery, Jerry Jeff Walker, Erik Estrada, and (my little 5-year-old buddy), Kate White!

Thanks to http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/history/index.asp for all the useless trivia a girl could hope to find on her birthday!

Random Thoughts

I have loads of random thoughts going through my brain.  So, here you go.  A complete clump of absolutely nothing related.  Maybe now I can clear my head for some coherent thoughts (But, don't hold your breath while you're waiting.  I can't be responsible for the lack of oxygen to your brain.)

• I can never think of anything to eat at 9:30 at night that doesn't make me feel guilty.  I'm completely disappointed in my lack of ingenuity.
• The very moment some people start talking, I want them to stop.
• I spent too much money on gift wrapping supplies (paper and ribbon) the other day at Hobby Lobby.  I tell you this because I think it's absolutely ridiculous.  Recycled newspaper costs nothing.  And the Sunday funnies are colored.
• Every time Facebook changes its layout, it hurts me.  And, I don't think it can repair the damage to our relationship.  How can I trust you not to hurt me again, FB?
• I never can think of what 7x8 is right off the top of my head.  7x7=49.  7x9=63.  8x6=48.  8x8=64.  7x8... I got nothin'.
• Along the same lines of shouldn't-have-been-allowed-to-pass-elementary-school: I usually don't get "right" and "left" correct the first time I try.
• Sometimes I feel guilty that I have my credit card number memorized, but then I get over it when I'm able to order on the internet with such ease.
• Watching the Olympics makes me think my parents should have pushed me harder as a child; even though I didn't show any aptitude for anything even remotely Olympian-like.
• This blog has been viewed by more than 4,400 individual computers (see the counter at the bottom?).  So, is it sad that there are only 20 people who are willing to admit to being "followers"... and one of them is me?
• When I got in the car this morning the clock read 7:29 and the trip odometer read 72.9.  Craaaaaazy.
• Also this morning:  I drank out of a dirty coffee mug and didn't know it until I got to the bottom of the mug and saw yesterday's dirty grit staring back at me.
• I wish Elizabeth would reconsider her choice to name her stuffed cat after the cat in Cinderella: Lucifer.
• Our sprinkler system keeps "resetting" itself and makes all the stations go off for 10 minutes even during ice and snow. I'm pretty sure that, on our block, we're "those" neighbors.

Public Restroom Ranking

Let a couple of human beings come out of your body and tell me you've retained the luxury of only using private "facilities".  I'll call you a liar.  Or, try to potty train a toddler and avoid public restrooms.  Impossible.

This has caused me to develop an informal ranking system among the establishments I frequent:

Doctors' offices/hospitals
Restaurants (that I still eat at)
Movie Theaters (before a movie)
Walmart (new one)
Target
Movie Theater (after a movie)
Bed, Bath and Beyond
Walmart (old one)
Hobby Lobby
Steinmart
Restaurants (that I don't eat at anymore)
Airplanes

This has been a public service message.

Betty White

I stinkin' adore Betty White.  Did you see her Super Bowl commercial yesterday?  From the Golden Girls to Bob Hope "Specials" to Boston Legal to Snickers commercials, she was and is a riot.



When she was presented the SAG Lifetime Achievement award, she said during her sweet acceptance speech that she had "had" some of the men in the room.  Seriously.  How do you not love this woman?

She is 88 and she is AWESOME.  I hope I grow old just as gracefully sassy as she has.

Psychic

Here's a little secret for you.  I think I'm a bit psychic.  But, it's the most worthless psychic ability ever.

Case in point:
My sister Brandy and I were looking for a store in the Galleria in San Antonio.  We had no idea where the store was located in the mall, so we stopped at one of the entrances to look at the directory.  She waited in the car while I ran in and figured out we needed to enter through Nordstrom's.  As I was walking back to the car, armed with the information, the lyrics "Papa don't preach.  I'm in trouble deep," started running through my head.  I even thought to myself, "Weird.  I haven't thought of that song in a million years."  We drove over to Nordstrom's, went in the store, and the piano player was playing... "PAPA DON'T PREACH"!  I know!  Crazy!  (and, I mean crazy he was playing the song that I had only just thought of for the first time in ten plus years - not crazy that he was playing the piano musical version of "Papa Don't Preach" which was, well... yes... crazy, as well.)

Random occurrences like this happen to me quite a bit.  But, I have absolutely no ability to harness this "talent".  And, anyway, I don't think there's a big market for elevator music predictions or the likes...

P.S.  Lately, the only unexplainable thought I've been having is the number "67".  Anyone know of a hot game of "Pick-A-Number" going on somewhere?

Forever in Junior High

When I drive through the neighborhood and see a line of cars that are all at someone's house for a party, there is a small part of me that wonders why I wasn't invited - even if I don't know the people or the house.

We are going on a family ski trip.  There is a small part of me that thinks I should have a different ski "outfit" for every day we're on the slopes - even though I now know how much ski "outfits" cost.

I still get nervous when I meet new people that they won't want to be my friend - even though I now know that everyone has insecurities.

There's a part of me that would give my right arm to be able to have a jumbo cookie and Diet Coke for lunch - even though I know the nutritional value of this combo is... zero.

I still leave my purse sitting in the restaurant booth as though the most important things in it are notes from my friends, flavored lip gloss and Primo body spray.

Can anyone confirm to me that I suffered a head injury in junior high that retarded my ability to mature?

Me and one of my junior high BFFs

                                                      2 good

                                                    +2 be

                                                      4 gotten

The Mysterious TV

Shawn and I were watching a t.v. show that was recorded on the DVR.  About 10 minutes in, all of the sound disappeared.  Then, after about 5 more minutes of recording, right in the middle of some of the commercials, it came back on.  Until that time, we were completely helpless.  (And from now til the end of time, we'll never know how Mike's first couple of interviews went on "The Middle".)

But, this got me thinking.  The t.v. and how it functions are a complete mystery to me.  It might as well be a handful of magic beans or a genie in a lamp.  I'm even slightly surprised every time I push the button on the remote and it actually turns on.  I read an article on how cable companies work in the Uncle John's Bathroom Reader (And, no.  I was NOT in the bathroom while I read it.  See?  There are some things I keep to myself on this blog.  Told you.) and the moment I finished the article I realized I had no idea what it meant.  I mean, I get how the cord goes from the t.v. to the box (ok, no, I don't even really get that since ours has something creepy called an "eye").  But, how the enchanted particles go through those cords and make pictures and sound - complete mystery.

For that matter, the internet is the same mystery.  I mean how in the world can the words that I type on this glorified typewriter actually be seen by other people?  Can anyone actually see this?  Tell me the truth.  HELLO?  Is anyone out there?!

This is just not one of my aptitudes.  That's okay.  I can accept that.  But, here's hoping the cable company doesn't ever ask for group participation in their technical operations.  The Johnsons would have to start reading.

Blog Readers

I swear I can tell when people have read this blog and don't want to confess to it.  I get it.  I mean it is "light internet stalking".  But, honestly, I don't care.  I wouldn't put it out there in this public format if I was worried that someone might learn about it.  I promise there are some things I keep to myself (I know, it's shocking).

The truth is, I only have so much material.  And, if I retell a joke, or use a catchphrase, I see the fear in someone's eyes that they've heard it before but they really want to react like it's the first time.  It's ok.  Say it loud and proud.  "I READ YOUR BLOG."  Honestly, I would be flattered.  And, it would probably force me to come up with some new material.

When Shawn goes out of town...

...I am certain the murderer that has been biding his time, waiting for the perfect opportunity, is about to act out all of his worst intentions.  Why then, do I keep posting Shawn's absence on FACEBOOK for all the world to see?  Clearly, it is because I have no sense of self-preservation.  But, I also have a home security system and a few firearms.  Maybe I'm really hoping he'll make his move so I'll have an excuse.  "Do you feel lucky?  Well, do you, punk?"

To be honest, I know why I posted it this last time.  It's because Shawn was asked to give a speech.  And, my running joke for the week leading up to the trip was, "It's a speech on what it's like to be married to an awesome person."  Yeah, Shawn really thought it was funny the 732nd time I said it.  Therefore, I was desperate for a new audience for whom to deliver my line and it just didn't work if I didn't do it while he was off giving said speech.  Don't challenge me on this - in my mind, it just didn't work.

So, there you have it.  I put my family in mortal danger (in my mind at least), for good joke delivery.  Yeah.  That's not messed up.  And, neither is this:  I saved them by staying awake til an ungodly hour.  Therefore, the murderer got tired and had to go home to bed because I outlasted him.  Good motherhood restored.  (And, once again.  Say it with me this time - it's so complicated in my head.)

P.S. Lest you think I haven't learned my lesson, Shawn is NOT out of town.  I am posting this on a day when the fortress is well guarded.  So, back to the drawing board with you, murderer.  You missed us this time!

That's Jason from Halloween.*  I don't really think he's out to get me because Jamie Lee Curtis already took care of him.  But, then again.  I kinda do.

*Ed note: No. No, it's not. As Kelly helped school me - that's Jason from Friday the 13th. (Michael Meyers is from Halloween!) I'm not sure who killed Jason. Now I find myself just hoping he's dead! Didn't he live on for, like, twenty-seven sequels?!

My dysfunctional relationship with oatmeal

I don't know how long the road has been that has gotten me to this point.  But, it's been a long and twisted one.

I do remember John Tesh proclaiming from his radio show that you should add a spoonful of peanut butter to your oatmeal for the protein.  Check.  Nevermind that peanut butter probably doesn't go with all flavors of oatmeal - like banana nut bread.

I also know that the DPS highly discourages eating in the car, much less eating oatmeal in the car.

And, the cold part.  Well, I guess that's all me and my busy, get-the-kids-to-school-on-time, mad woman routine in the mornings.  By the time I get to it, it's cold.

And, as long as it's cold, I might as well not rush to scarf it down.  A bite here and there will do, usually finishing the last of it just before lunch.

You know, even I can admit, that's pretty gross.  Though, the repulsion on my out-of-town family's faces when they see me interacting with my oatmeal makes me know that things have gotten really bad.

But, I do know this: I go to bed at night excited about oatmeal in the morning... and midmorning... and afternoon.  Oatmeal, my life would s**k without you.

Random Thoughts of the Day

I got this in a forwarded email a while back.  I still find myself laughing out loud about it at random times.  Thought I would share it here, too.  Hope it gives you as big a laugh as it gave me...

• More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
• Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going?  But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
• I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
• The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
• Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
• Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
• The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.
• How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
• I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
• I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
• The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
• A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
• Was learning cursive really necessary?
• Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
• Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
• My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.
• Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
• I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a d*ck from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
• Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
• What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
• While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
• MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
• I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
• Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
• I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
• Bad decisions make good stories.
• Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
• If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
• Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
• Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
• There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
• I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
• "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
• I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
• While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
• I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
• I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
• When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
• I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
• Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
• As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
• Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
• It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
• I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
• I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
• Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
• Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
• My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
• It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
• I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
• I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
• I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
• The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before you've even eaten.

Oh, great. One more thing to obsess about.

So, if you know me very well, you probably know that I grab hold of a new project like a dog with a bone and I don't let it go until I've completely forced it into submission.  Well, that's what's happening with this blog.

Every single thought that goes through my head is closely examined for blog potential.  Then, if potential exists, I beginning the worrying process that I will forget what I was thinking before I have a chance to write it down.  Because of this fear, I was carrying a legal pad of paper with me everywhere I went.  It was not a pretty fashion statement.  So, I've moved on to typing "notes" into my phone.  I have to put them somewhere, though.  All I need is more useless, trivial thoughts cramming my already overflowing brain and competing for valuable memory space.  It's just too much pressure.

And, these are just the things I want to remember for the blog.  Then there are the un-useful things that bombard me in everyday existence that are not blog worthy.  Like the homemade doggie treats for sale at the hairdressers.  I mean, really!  There has to be something to blog about that.  But.  I got nothin'.

I'm also terrified to look at anyone else's blog anymore.  If I like something they say, there is a 50% chance that I will unwittingly allow my subconscious to plagerize them - believe me, it's happened before.  As my friend, Robin quotes,

"She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit." -W. Somerset Maugham

I believe Mr. Maugham was probably talking about me.

So, for the most part I keep falling back to the actions of those around me.  Namely, my husband, children and friends.  I don't know what this will be like for them.  But, I can't imagine it's going to be pleasant living as fodder for my blog posts.