Sometimes I can tell God is forcing me to become the person I'm meant to be. I usually don't like it. I usually stomp my feel like a little girl who doesn't get candy for dinner. But, when this has happened in the past, it has always, always, always worked for good - just as soon as I stopped the tug-of-war and turned over control to Him. It has all led to the beautiful life I have.
I have healthy and (usually) happy children. My husband makes it clear that he adores me (and, surprisingly, this has much less to do with love notes and roses than it does with helping to put the kids to bed; and doing the dishes; and, hearing - no LISTENING to - me when I have something to say.) I am healthy. I have friends who love me. I get to be the stay-at-home mom I always hoped to be.
It's not the perfect life for everyone, but it's the perfect life for me.
Yet, even with history on His side, I still resist. I want things my way - the way I envision them. But, just like Peter, every time I take my eyes off Jesus and focus instead on the storm around me, I start to sink. Every time. I start to think I'm not good enough and never will be. I start to wonder why in the world people would want to be friends with such a freak as me. I forget that I am perfectly the person He made me to be.
Sometimes I think I'm a little slow.
Does anyone else do this? The Magic 8 Ball of your life says "Outlook good [if you would just shut up and trust]", but the devil on your shoulder tells you you're still not good enough to deserve your blessings; tells you to work a little bit harder to do it your way?