Sometimes I can tell God is forcing me to become the person I'm meant to be. I usually don't like it. I usually stomp my feel like a little girl who doesn't get candy for dinner. But, when this has happened in the past, it has always, always, always worked for good - just as soon as I stopped the tug-of-war and turned over control to Him. It has all led to the beautiful life I have.
I have healthy and (usually) happy children. My husband makes it clear that he adores me (and, surprisingly, this has much less to do with love notes and roses than it does with helping to put the kids to bed; and doing the dishes; and, hearing - no LISTENING to - me when I have something to say.) I am healthy. I have friends who love me. I get to be the stay-at-home mom I always hoped to be.
It's not the perfect life for everyone, but it's the perfect life for me.
Yet, even with history on His side, I still resist. I want things my way - the way I envision them. But, just like Peter, every time I take my eyes off Jesus and focus instead on the storm around me, I start to sink. Every time. I start to think I'm not good enough and never will be. I start to wonder why in the world people would want to be friends with such a freak as me. I forget that I am perfectly the person He made me to be.
Sometimes I think I'm a little slow.
Does anyone else do this? The Magic 8 Ball of your life says "Outlook good [if you would just shut up and trust]", but the devil on your shoulder tells you you're still not good enough to deserve your blessings; tells you to work a little bit harder to do it your way?
9 comments:
Ali, I struggle with this more than I care to admit. I forget, and I'm ashamed to say it, that I am not alone, that there is Someone who can see the path in front of me and wants to help guide me there. To my potential, to the person that will make me the most happy. You are not alone. I came across a ring not too long ago that summed it up perfectly for me. It says, "Let go, let God".
You *are* a freak. Don't ever be ashamed of that. It is what draws people to you. It is a gift. (did I mention that this 'freak' is FrEaKishly Awesome?) One more thing, I feel His spirit in you, you must be doing Him proud.
wow. i can't tell you much that means to me, mandi. thanks.
i really like "...can see the path in front of me and wants to help guide me..." very wise, my friend.
You are not alone; just honest.
Did you read about my most recent battle with insecurity:
http://eatlivelaughshop.blogspot.com/2010/06/why-cant-i-just-enjoy.html
It is a daily battle for me too. I have to constantly remind myself it is the devil on my shoulder that I hear so often. Staying in God's word is the only way I've found to maintain the clarity of thought required to weather life's trials and daily annoyances. The only way.
Oh and I personally don't think you are a freak. I think you are hysterical and honest. Most people just repress the thoughts and comments that make you so interesting!!! : )
thank you so much, amy.
i DID read that post and completely agree. how many moments do we miss out on because we're always waiting for the other shoe to drop?
here's to keeping focus on what matters!
Ali - I find it incredibly difficult to turn loose of the reins and just let things unfold as they no doubt will. The "Devil" on my shoulder seems especially cunning and nasty (which I have no doubt earned) because I would have no trouble ignoring him if he tried to talk me into doing something truly evil. I wouldn't listen if he told me to kill someone or rob a bank. But I listen to him all the time when he convinces me "Springer, you can do this alone - just push harder, force it, you are a successful guy, you deserve it, don't let anyone stand in your way, you are in control, etc." It's when he tells me what I wish was true that I listen. Little punk - he even looks and sounds like me.
I think I am making progress (about a 1000 miles from perfection) in realizing the very few things I can control (which are really only my efforts and my attitude) and letting go of the outcome. But, man, it's tempting to think I can make things and people go and act as I think they should.
It seems like it shouldn't be that hard - why can't I remember that when I try to force my way, I cause stress and anxiety and usually not the desired result. When God does things his way, we get Willie Nelson, sunrises, kids laughing, bananas (a tasty, perfect size snack food in its own biodegradable container, for pete's sake). It seems like the decision to turn things over should be easy, but it isn't.
Thanks for your great and honest post, my fellow struggler.
thanks, springer. it's a lot easier thing to say than to do, huh? but, who can argue with the results when we let God take care of things without our "help" - i mean Willie Nelson, sunrises and kids laughing, for pete's sake (LOVE IT)!
Springer, you are a God send my friend. As is Ali. You guys, along with Brandy, Brandi, Kim, Robin and Robin and others I have met through the 2 of you, have been put in my path for a reason. (truly, you all have led me away from the path I was on and that I can now see was going to be failure for me, to a path of possibility) I learn so much from you all and am able to trust more because of your example. It's honesty like this that brings a sigh of relief from me. While I know I'm not alone fighting the wicked man that knows how to get me down, it is good to hear, every now and again, that others that I look up to, who look like they have it all together, are fighting the fight too.
I am reminded of a quote from one of the presidents of our church. He said, "Heavenly Father does notice us, and loves us, but it is usually through other people that he meets our needs". He shows us His love in mnay ways, but the most powerful (and yet most subtle) is through the people we encounter and who help us with the struggles we face. What a wonderful, simple reminder to let go and be happy.
The 2 of you need to just keep writing what I am feeling and eventually I can kick my therapist to the curb. :)
:)
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