Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Please don't interrupt my Smurf dream [Nighttime Musings]

*All [bracketed, purple writing] in the following post is what I found on my computer this morning.*

In the dream, Smurfette was flying the plane.  Shawn and I had a huge console between our seats and there was a lot of stuff on top of it. We were laughing. Something funny was happening to Shawn, but I don't know what.

I think my subconscious brain was retaliating against him. As we were going to bed he told me, "So and so told me she thinks you're hysterical."

I said, "Awww. That's so nice."

He said, "Yeah. I told her, 'I have to live with her.'"

RUDE. I'm going to bed. And, I'm going to have a Smurf airplane dream about you - because I am funny.

In the middle of my dream, I was awake. AWAKE. I couldn't figure it out for a minute until I saw Elizabeth standing right beside my bed. She was whispering. whispering. I might have hurt her feelings by saying, "TALK" a little too forcefully. But I really just wanted to be back on the Smurfette plane, or dreamlessly asleep. I wasn't picky, just tired.
[awakend from dream by elizabeth. perfectly pleasant dream shawn on plane i was having ood time, rainbows, unicorns, flown by smurfette shawn (made fun of how funny i am last night
she's whispering WHISPERING]
There must have been rainbows and unicorns on Smurfette's plane, too. She operates an awesome airline!

It turned out EA couldn't find her blankies (which, by the way, were on her pillow). I carried her back to bed. (Remember the hurt feelings? Evidently, that severely precludes one's ability to use one's own legs.)

I stumbled back to our room and static started coming over the baby monitor like it was one of the portals to the "other side" in the movie Poltergeist. As I moved it around, trying to hold my tongue just right to stop the static, I realized baby monitors make me question my love for my children. I would rather they sit in their beds crying than to deal with a staticky baby monitor in the middle of the night. (Ok. That's a lie since it's still sitting on my dresser at this very moment being more noisy than I would prefer. But, you get the point. I have a love/hate relationship with my baby monitor.) [baby mnitor makes me uestion love for children]

I finally got it to SHUT THE HELL UP and climbed back into bed. I took my glasses off and set them... right in the container of foot cream that I slather on my heels at night. (Yeah. It's pretty glamorous here at the Johnsons - foot cream and glasses. Hot. I'm pulling back the curtain, people. You might want to close your eyes if you don't want to see the wizard.)

I lied down in bed, closed my eyes, and had the thought... wait for it... "I should blog about this." *boing* (that's the sound of my brain becoming fully alert thinking about what I could write.) There was clearly no other option, at least in my just-want-to-go-back-to-sleep brain, than to get up and type out what I was thinking so I could build a post around it in the morning. [then think this and can't go back to sleep]

I opened my laptop and, for the love of all that is good and holy, this thing is bright in the middle of the night. So, I began to type. With my eyes closed. Shut up. It was late. I was tired. And, it didn't matter if I opened my eyes or not, I only saw a blindingly bright light because I didn't have my glasses. They were soaking in the foot goo. [have to stumble out to laptop and type with my eyes closed because DUDES this thing is bright.] That's right.  When I think about those of you that read this blog, at least in the middle of the night, I call you "Dude". [no glasses. i set them in the cream.]

I went back to bed, and realized I had forgotten to help Elizabeth fill out her "Family Page" for the Family Unit they are working on in her class this week. So, I got back up to find that. Then, I got my laptop and typed that I forgot that. [forgot family page. had to come find it. still forgot my glasses] Evidently, at this point, the sleep deprivation had caused me to believe that goo covered glasses were not a problem - I was just forgetting to put them on.

I think the rest of the incoherent babbling is pretty self-explanatory.
[this is what i get for dream unglly smurf dreams about shawn. karma's a bitch.

damn this computer screen is bright.

woke up twice to type. SCREEN SO BRIGHT. what's an albatross.  look up albotross. don't know what it is, but i think this blog is my albatross.

this is what i get for wishing i had somehting better than NJ horseraces to blog about.

now im hungry.

shawn's snoring. im' still funny. and a delight to live with.

i've got to get a better system for nighttime musings. this sucks.]

I don't think, after reading back through this, that there could be any question as to whether I am a delight to live with. Shawn is a lucky, lucky man.

P.S. I'm a good eyes-closed-typist!

P.P.S. Albatross (n.) - A constant, worrisome burden. (This blog is my albatross.)


RunMom said...

LOL. Pretty sure we not only have the exact same baby monitor but also share an affinity for the phrase "for the love of all that is good and holy."
I find you hilarious btw. But then again, I was pretty sure an albatross was a bird so....

Uh oh gotta run. My 4 year old just walked up and told me to "take a smell." That can not be good.

Ali said...

same baby monitor, same love of "ftloatigah" and SAME FOUR YEAR OLD! :D

(oh, and an albatross is ALSO a bird - you were right, too!)

Mont said...

This may or may not have been what I dreamt last night.
See if you can spot Shawn.

Springer said...

Great post. This one cracked me up because I can picture you doing all that you desribe.

I think the use of "albatross" to mean a burden comes from The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner by Samuel Taylor Coleridge. It's good and this is also where we get the phrase "Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink." http://www.scribd.com/doc/465521/The-Rhyme-of-the-Ancient-Mariner
If you don't want to read the entire poem, you could just listen to Iron Maiden's version under the same name but with with Rime instead of Rhyme (poetic license and all). It's on youtube. :-D

Avante Garde Parenting said...

Your post are hilarious! I, too, have had many a night like you describe :)

Danny said...

Did you ever see that Seinfeld where he wakes up laughing in the middle of the night, scribbles a note on the pad beside his bed, and then can't read it the next morning? You're smart to take it to the laptop.

Ali said...

mont - that was AWESOME. was that shawn in the leg warmers?! he does like his thong leotards, though. so, that could have been him, too.

springer - i wrote a post a couple of weeks ago called "thoughts, thoughts everywhere and not a coherent thought to think." samuel taylor coleridge has had a clear influence on me - although, i swear i've NEVER read "the rhyme of the ancient mariner." now, iron maiden's version, though, there's more of a possibility there... oh, no there's not... i'm flummoxed.

AGP - thanks! here's to some peaceful nights sleep!

danny - i KNEW all those hours of sitcom watching would some day pay off. i learned something from mr. seinfeld's mistakes. finally.

Entertaining Women said...

In "The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner,' the albatross was a giant white bird that the mariner had to wear around his neck, like a necklace because he shot it dead with his cross-bow in an act of bad faith. Burden, indeed. There's much more to the story, but that's where we get the term albatross, as a burden...a heavy weight about our necks. Sailors thought that the albatross brought good luck.

Ali said...

CK - I feel like you HAVE read "The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner"...

April said...

Oh that Karma - I know her well, she comes in many forms, and I hate her! I don't know you and don't know how I even came across your blog, but I am now a faithful follower. By the way, I find you quite hysterical myself! Then again, I don't have to live with you. :)

Ali said...

April - DE-LIGHTFUL! i am delightful to live with (no. no. don't look at shawn - look at me!) delightful.

glad you're here! may you have much GOOD karma. ;)

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