Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful Boy

Seven years ago today I found myself. I found myself under a pile of the former person I had been. I found myself beneath the horror of the words, "An Apgar of 2," and the gut-wrenching pain of watching my newborn baby being whisked away from me. I found myself through every. single. breath I took during the seven hours I waited for him to be returned to me. I found myself in the Mother Bear that believed I could will him to hold on to the tentative grasp he had on the world when he first entered it. I know I love him from the very core of my soul because that's the part of me that I thought would break without him. It's the part of me that is completed by him and it's the part of me that still hurts when he hurts.

I was absolutely unprepared to be a mother. More so because I thought I was so very prepared. I had read every book! But, those books didn't explain what it was like to have your heart outside your body; to feel absolutely helpless.Those books didn't prepare me for the complete destruction of my very self-centered life. Now it was all about him. The fact that I loved him so fiercely made that a bearable idea - but, just barely.

It took eight weeks to understand the new "me". I almost drowned in my own tears during that time. Finally, I felt the old "me" break and completely crumble away under the newfound realization that it would never be all about me again. I could no longer be a selfish little girl. I was his mother. And, I either needed to accept that and be the best mother that I possibly could be or...

Blessedly, I could accept that. There never was an "or". He is my world. He gave me my purpose.

Seven years ago today I became a Mother.

                                                                                   

Happy Birthday, Spence.

By all accounts you were a very healthy preemie. But, you did just cautiously dip your toe into this life when you first joined us - not even prepared to take your first breath without some coaxing. That is your cautious nature to this day. But, after those first few moments, you grabbed ahold of this life and showed us the steel of which you are made. There are times I see a depth in your soul. I believe you found wisdom beyond your years in those first few hesitant hours you spent with us.

Then you were mine to hold. And, I will never let you go.

You are so smart, and kind, and sensitive, and funny - and a complete rascal. I love what a thinker you are. I love that you do. not. want to be the center of attention - but you own it; you stand up for yourself; you stand out as far as your comfort will let you. I love the big brother that you are. I love the friend that you are. I love the person that you are. You are perfectly you.

Happy birthday my darling, darling, darling boy.